How do you feel?

The first answer to this question would be “hungry”. Of course, it’s about the diet I’m on, on the advice of my dietician…healthy food to lose excess weight (which was the case for me) and to get back to healthy eating habits.

Then I have to come up with a more meaningful answer to this question. I started looking for online images that could give me an idea. So, flowers (various images) and I thought of spring, the sun slowly beginning to peek out even in the hostile town (Saturday was hot and if I say it was hot, it really was). But I didn’t see myself in these images.

So, I moved on to the next ones. Animals. But even there, well. They make me want a dog, which I’ve always wanted (I had one when I was little). But as an adult, with a life always on the go, it didn’t seem like a good idea. So, no animals.

Then the images of nature make me a little sad…but why do I always think of the places I want to see? Maybe I should have seen them before, now that I’m deaf, will it be different? I don’t know.

So I opted for the classic Egyptian hieroglyph. In short, it’s a language that we started to understand thanks to the famous Rosetta Stone (I’ll put the link…but only because I hope Rosetta is not understood as a person’s name…otherwise there are usually some pretty serious problems with the reader).

So, what do I think about? Hieroglyphics? No. I just think about how my inner thoughts are sometimes complicated and twisted enough to make the pharaoh shudder (so much so that I find the right position between the direction of the legs and the torso).

I’m as complicated as every woman…I’m even more reflective than usual. Then I think and rethink certain aspects of my life. I haven’t fully metabolized the slaps in the face that I continue to take. Of course, everyone feels their own slaps. I’m not just feeling sorry for myself. I cry, and that’s it. I’ve become much more sensitive than before the illness, that’s a fact.

I’m slowly reclaiming what I was and what I did. Who I was. But then I always think about starting from where the illness stopped me. But I can’t just start again as if nothing happened. There are five years in between, not insignificant changes (first and foremost, deafness). It’s true that there’s a before 2020 and an after 2020.

But how can I connect these two things without dragging myself around like a zombie? How can it be done, I don’t know.

Everyone says it could be a way to reinvent yourself, to do what you want. But I did what I did before 2020 because I enjoyed it, not just to say. (I’m talking about work). In short, I loved my job, I liked it even though there were days when I hated it. But now I can’t do it the way I want to anymore. I wouldn’t do it 100%.

That’s how I feel. I’m not at 100% anymore. I’m 55% disabled.