Disease is a pat

It’s been a month since my last post and I’m ashamed of it. At the end of March I was all excited at the idea of ​​returning to Italy for the Easter holidays… (I must say that I was also scared because I always had a relapse at Easter with lots of new hospitalization and therapy).

And I went home, I was with friends, I ate, I saw people. The doctor said that I am immunosuppressed but much less than before, and that therefore I can go back to normal, slowly. And so I’ve been a full-time aunt, been to dinner, out and about, drove again and have had no relapses or hospitals (always horned you never know).

And then I returned to the hostile country, full of home sap, hopeful, in short, all happy. With the system restored slowly, I was able to understand. I was all happy… but then, as usual, back to reality.

I didn’t feel bad (always see the horns above and also a nice fuck you)…. but I was catapulted into the reality of not hearing. I had an interview, I had asked for subtitles during the video call (which they all have automatically). I prepare my speeches on work, on the law, on the most beautiful cases I’ve seen, in short, all happy, also because this was a cool job, in a super cool studio.

And nothing…he (the interviewer) spoke very fast, he spoke in Italian and the subtitles were in English…I didn’t understand what he was saying because he didn’t look at the camera (not even his lips). I believe that if one can think of a disaster, well I came close ….

I didn’t do many interviews, it will be because the ones I did then were positive, instead I sent a myriad of CVs … on that I am expert. On the cross talks above.

It happened a week ago. I cried and for the first time I felt different, no longer the same as before, not different better but different worse. Everyone says that the disease is a path, that one comes out strengthened… I didn’t come out strengthened, I came out broken. That interview threw me back 3 years, when I hadn’t recently had the implant, when I was insecure, sad. I fell back into an insecure me, who doesn’t laugh, who stands there and stares into space.

I’m not sad, tired, not even resigned …. I’m just sitting there. At that point, in that position and still there.

Everyone told me “but no, you’ve overcome everything, you want this to be”, “you don’t have to think about it and go on”, “you’ve done a lot, now don’t get discouraged”.. I pretended nothing happened and I left lulled by those phrases, because they really seemed to make sense. But is not so. People should shut up. When one doesn’t know what to say, if he doesn’t think he can improve silence, then he has to shut up.

I’ve been reflecting, rethinking that interview, how I am now… and then I started writing.

I understood why I need this blog, I need to be deaf and clumsy, I need not to think. But throw the thoughts out.