Where I would like to be now

These are strange, confused, sad, bitter days. That’s where I want to be now. On a beach, away from everyone, alone without a phone, without medicine, just me and that’s it.

In the past two weeks, I have experienced bad moments, in which I burst into tears for no reason. Thoughtful, anxious. Then I tried not to think, but it’s not that easy.

On February 4th I had the last chemo. The last scheduled of the six initials. Then magnetic resonance imaging and visits to doctors to understand what to do.

Yesterday first visit. A check. I knew what the doctor would tell me, I was prepared … So I thought! poor fool. Hearing it hurt me, hearing those words made me cry, being sad but above all pissed off with everything and everyone. Because a cure and medicines save you from one thing, but take something away from you.

And I’m still not ready to talk directly about what they took from me.

Another visit tomorrow. The one where you should understand what therapy to do, whether to change it or not. I also expect what the doctor will tell me, she had mentioned to me. But like yesterday, nothing prepares you to really feel it.

(then for me hearing, since I am also deaf with an implant, has a completely different effect).

I proved to be strong, the one who laughs, who does not think, and as I wrote on instagram you need irony and self-irony.

But sometimes, like today, like yesterday and who knows maybe tomorrow you just need to be angry! sometimes you need that.

I need that, not to really think that what is happening to me is real. To detach the brain, the head, the saddest and darkest thoughts.

That’s where I want to be now. In a safe, distant, lonely place. To be lulled by the wind, the color of the sun and the sound of the sea.

Because after three years of illness, I would like to get well, I would like not to think and I would not even want a medicine anymore.